How Not to Get Thrown Overboard the Flying Dutchman
by A'isha Ishtar
Summary: In this modern day and age of piracy, there are innumerable ways that you could be scuppered to the sea by the captain or crew of the Flying Dutchman. Fortunately, that won't happen to YOU! Not with this handy dandy little guide. Pocket and keychain versions now available!


**I've been doing one of these for Transformers - and reading them - and I noticed a severe lack of them for POTC. And since the Dutchman crew and Davy are my dear luvies, I just had to remedy that.**

**Just to clarify, since I'm sure you'll wonder, my character's name is Micky Thompson and she comes from our time, but she found a portal or... something like that... so she can visit the Dutchman. She's kinda part of the crew, but mostly she just exists to be a thorn in their sides.**

**So, that being said, SEND ME IDEAS! I'll credit you, and I'm sure it'll be bleedin' funny! So enjoy!**

**Davy: Aren't ye fergettin' somethin', lass?**

**Me: *grumble* I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean. I wish I did, but I don't.**

**Davy: 'N' the universe is righ' once again. *pats me on the back* Oh, bo'sun said 'e wants tae see ye.**

**Me: . Oh yeah, I'm sure Jimmy just wants to talk... anyway, while I go have to probably get a taste of the cat, I hope you readers enjoy de story so far! ^^**

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**1. Do everyone a favor: DON'T buy that fake Halloween heart from Dollar Tree.**

(I thought I'd get my Halloween shopping done in advance.)

(When I saw the fake organs, I couldn't resist.)

(So I grabbed a "Cheating Heart" before I headed to checkout.)

(It seemed funny at the time.)

(I made fake blood with corn syrup and food coloring, then covered the heart, my hand, and my chest with it.)

(I proceeded to go aboard the Dutchman, and when the crew saw me, their jaws dropped.)

(And trust me, it's nearly impossible to surprise these guys.)

(Then Davy came out, and asked what the hell was going on.)

(I held up the heart and grinned.)

"My boyfriend dumped me, so I carved out my heart! I wanted to be just like you, 'cause you're my role model. So can, uh, can I be Captain now?"

(But, er... the fatal flaw in my plan was that it didn't work so well from close up.)

(The crew was ordered to "wash the lass off!")

(I was thrown off the side of the ship to clean off the fake blood and discard the rubber heart.)

(The saltwater killed my hair, and now I am planning my revenge.)

**2. As much fun as it is, Hadras's head is not a beach ball.**

(Poor Hadras, he can never keep his head on straight.)

(It's even worse because whenever he gets a lashing, Jimmy Legs aims for his neck.)

(His head always flies off, screaming.)

(This last time, I was considering being nice so I ran after it and picked it up.)

(In my defense, I WAS going to give it back.)

(But then I got an idea, and you know what little buggers those are.)

"Hey mate! Catch!"

(Maccus was surprised, but he caught Hadras's head and when he realized what I was doing, he grinned.)

(And tossed it to Koleniko.)

(We played keep-away for a while, with Hadras's body bumbling in between us and trying to catch his head.)

(He wasn't any match for us, though.)

(But finally Davy caught on to what we were doing, and asked who started this.)

(Instead of standing up for me, like I thought they'd do, those assholes ratted me out.)

(I got five lashes and a night in the brig.)

(And Hadras had his back to me as I was drug away, trying to screw his head back on.)

(But no fear, because I have a piece of chalk and I'm drawing a very nasty picture on the wall of the brig...)

**3. Captain is flattered that his likeness is your cosplay, but you'll have to do with a fake locket.**

(The annual _Pirates of the Caribbean_ convention was coming up! Squee!)

(Boy, was I excited, because even though I've been to cons before, this was my first time entering in the walk-on cosplay contest.)

(You don't wanna know how long it took me to make everything, but let's just say I put my blood, sweat, and tears into that costume.)

(The day before the con, I decked myself out and went to visit my _Dutchman_ buddies for their approval, blessing, and luck.)

(They were all a bit shocked when they saw me, but I think they liked it.)

(Even Davy complimented what a great job I'd done, which made me proud because _I worked my ass off_ to make it look realistic.)

(I thought it would be better if I could borrow his locket from Calypso, except he'd probably say no if I asked him outright.)

(There's a reason people don't sneak into his cabin.)

(I was too cheap to order an official replica on Ebay, so I had to make a tinfoil one at the last minute.)

(I still contend that it's the _only_ reason I didn't win first place.)

(It couldn't have had ANYTHING to do with my botched attempt at making my fake tentacle beard move...)

**4. Stop stealing Clanker's hat. It doesn't look near as good on you as it does on him.**

(Ohhh! I see how it is, guys.)

(When I dressed up as Davy and failed at spiriting away his locket, everyone thought it was the cutest thing ever.)

(But when I take something from _Clanker,_ it's wrong.)

(Can you blame me? His hat is sexy!)

(I think it's his secret to being sexy.)

(So of course I wanted to be sexy - don't we all - and while he was sleeping, I took it.)

(Bummed it right off him, I did!)

(I had a lot of fun stomping around deck and taking swings at everybody while mimicking Clanker's accent.)

"Down on yer marrowbones 'n' _pray!_"

(I must have said it a thousand times.)

(Till old Clank woke up, that is...)

(I was chased around the deck!)

(And then Jimmy Legs gave me a flogging for...)

(Well, I don't remember what it was for, actually.)

(But I'm almost sure it had something to do with Clanker's hat.)

**5. Bootstrap's starfish doesn't have a name. And it's apparently a hermaphrodite, so don't even bother.**

(Well, thanks to the incident with Clanker's hat, I got saddled with barnacle duty.)

(Want to know what that is? Well, no, you really don't, but I'm going to tell you anyway.)

(Davy doesn't mind barnacles growing all over the crew - and himself - but on his ship?)

(I don't _think_ so, bitch.)

(So every once in a while, the few poor souls who clearly haven't been whipped enough get picked to climb down on the hull and scrape off the barnacles.)

(I guess I was lucky to get Bootstrap as a partner, considering who else I _could_ have gotten.)

(But he's not much of a talker, believe it or not.)

(I don't like awkward silence, especially when that awkward silence is accompanied by the sound of barnacle after barnacle _plink_ing into a bucket.)

(I decided to make conversation.)

"Hey Bootstrap? I'm thinking you must know you have a starfish attached to your face."

"... Er... yes. I'd noticed."

"So is it a boy starfish or a girl starfish?"

(He was probably making an effort to be funny on my part, and sarcastically so.)

"'S got all the workin' parts, Micky."

(I think I looked like an idiot, sitting there with my mouth open like that.)

"WOW! So then did you give it a unisex name?"

"A wha'?"

"You know! Like... like _Leslie_ or... or _Terry._"

(He didn't talk to me for the rest of that afternoon.)

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**Hardy har har! Arrrrggggh, ain't it amusin' ta watch Micky's antics, me hearties?**

**Well, anyway, be sure to review and drop off your suggestions!**

**... But thanks fer readin', all the same! ^^**


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